Sunday thoughts: Shall we give some awards out, then?
As we approach the end of 2022, which in many ways seems to have gone on for around a decade (the tiering system for Covid was at the beginning of this year? Really?), it’s time for the first in a series* of the very popular** annual education awards, known commonly as the Simonses.***
* Maybe. If I remember next year
** Popular defined as ‘in my head when I started writing this’. Less so by the end
*** Let’s make this a thing, yeah?
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The “You Never Thought You’d Miss Gavin Williamson” award — this year won by Michelle Donelan, for every one of her 36 hours in charge of the Department for Education. There are so many highlights it seems unfair to pick one, but if pressed I’d go for the time when she finally realised she had to go to No10 and tell the PM to resign, so called for the DfE lift and just… left…. without telling anyone, leaving her private office to shamefacedly reschedule her introductory calls and meetings and admit to officials that, erm, no they didn’t quite know where the SoS was, but they were sure she’d be back any minute….
The “Rarer Than A Physics Teacher In ITT” award — awarded to a series of Ministers responsible for HE in 2022 and their instances of actually mentioning or praising HE. Michelle Donelan held the role for a decent chunk of the year, but she’s already had an award so she’s ruled out. Since then, we’ve had Andrea Jenkyns 1, aka “sweary Andrea Jenkyns”, under Boris, who then became “Andrea Jenkyns is not allowed to speak at university events”, and then Andrea Jenkyns 2, aka “Harry Potter studies Andrea Jenkyns”, under Liz Truss, who really would have been better to stick to her enforced period of omerta. Current title is held by Rob Halfon, who has at least been promoted back to Minister of State, but who — surprisingly, I know — seems more taken with the skills bit of the brief than the HE bit.
The “Changing Faster Than Covid Guidance For Educational Settings” award — won on this occasion by the UKs approach to international students. We love them, apparently. So much so that we have a whole strategy designed to attract 600,000 of them here. No, we hate them. So we don’t want them to come. Except we love them, because they subsidise universities and indeed the economy. Except we don’t want them to, because they actually cost lots in housing and snarl up GP waiting lists. Or maybe we love them, because of soft power. In fact, they’ll be at the heart of future trade deals. Apart from their dependents, who can’t come. And in fact maybe students can’t come either, unless they’re from a World Top 100 university. No, we love them, don’t believe all you read in the papers. Apart from when it’s briefed by the HO and No10, who want to kick them all out. But then the Home Secretary resigns. But then small boats, and Farage, and maybe we will stop them because of Chinese security concerns. But now we love them because otherwise domestic fees will mean UK students can’t go to study any more. Except….
The “Longer To Wait Than The Augar Response” award — won, in a very meta sense, by the Augar response itself. We actually did get something of a response, 4 Secretaries of State and 3 junior Ministers ago, albeit unfortunately on the day the Ukraine war started. But technically, we haven’t had a full response on the review of tertiary education from the government. It’s very possible that before a formal response is ever given, we’ll be in the middle of a new review. Like a Russian set of dolls.
The “Nick Gibb Long Service” award — look, I’ve done one meta gag already. So it’s not Nick Gibb (though keep watching later down, Gibb fans). The award goes to Baroness Diana Barran, longstanding trooper in the Department as Lords Minister, and responsible for having to defend, with a straight face, government policy on education during a year when, well, the government has been openly laughed at in the Upper Chamber. For a brief period this year, she was the only Minister in the Department, and thus technically in charge. Rumours that she put a post-it note on her Ministerial folders and box saying “temporary Secretary of State”, and stared down twitchy officials with a straight face when declaring that she was constitutionally accurate, are unconfirmed.
The “Falling In Popularity Faster Than Oak National Academy” award — always a prestigious and keenly fought over award, that this year (sadly) goes to the National Tutoring Programme. Superforecasters might have been able to predict this one ever since Randstad sullied the good name of know-nothing outsourcing by mangling tutoring so much that it was mutually agreed that they wouldn’t extend their contract (by which I mean DfE agreed that they wouldn’t be given any more money, and Randstad agreed that this was totally fair and justifiable). But it’s been one problem after another for the once-lauded programme, which hit its numbers thanks so some expert call centre work from DfE officials, but now faces challenges over declining subsidy rates in future years. A key priority for the next 5 Secretaries of State next year.
The “Mike Tomlison Award For Forever-More-Being-Cited-By-Surname-Only-As-A-Path-Foregone” award — Sir Kevan Collins, for his £15bn plan for Covid catch up, that turned into a £1bn plan, causing his subsequent resignation. According to reports, the plan was all signed off and ready to go before it was kiboshed by Rishi “education is the silver bullet for this country” Sunak. But still, we have a renewed push for longer school days as a result of it. Even though this is best achieved by schools, erm, lengthening their lunch break, and the last 1,000 Ofsted reports haven’t mentioned it. “If only the Collins plan….” seems destined to become a permanent “what if” in English education discourse. Can be deployed for guaranteed nods and appreciative murmurs from the audience on any education panel, but only to be done so sparingly because of risk of overuse.
The “Best Interview Of The Year” award — Nick Gibb, for his stellar performance in the pages of the TES in December in which the genuinely shy Minister opened up about his time over the last 364 years running the English schools system, while modelling this season’s must-have smart-casual wear for any politician finding themselves standing, for some reason, under a pier in the winter. Bonus points for his answer to “why don’t you listen to a wider group of people” in which he cites his current special adviser, and former special adviser, as people he listens to even when they disagree with him.
The “Warm-Strict Award For You-May-Not-Always-Like-It-But-Its-For-The-Best” award — for the ITT market review, which despite multiple protestations proceeded as planned, and led to a significant rejigging of the ITT curriculum, and the number of providers who can deliver it directly (179, down from 240 last year). All appeals have just been turned down by the Department. Some people worry that this might result in as many as 4,000 fewer places in ITT next year, but that misses the fact that given the terrifying low numbers of people wanting to become teachers, the impact will be that places filled next year in ITT will now go up as a %… *insert man tapping head and nodding meme*
And finally, in a year and a ceremony marked by occasional bouts of chaos, we end with the flagship category:
The “It Ended Up…..OK?!” award — for this year’s A Level Results. Faced with a situation in which the phrase “glide path” reached common discourse, optimism was not high, but despite everything, the overall pass marks more or less, erm, glided down ok, school league tables both exist and don’t exist, and students went off happily to universities and were mostly accommodated in the same city, or at least within fifty miles, of the university that they had been accepted to.
Merry Christmas (or if you’re reading this at the University of Brighton, Happy Seasonal Closure Period) Everyone!
